Summerstay Christmas Letter 2020
We were thrilled to add Ellen to our family in January via our wonderful friend and gestational surrogate, Amanda! Ellen hasn't seen many people as a baby because of ᴄᴏᴠɪᴅ, which is sad, but she is a super happy and overall easy baby. Doug took two months off work when she was born, and then ᴄᴏᴠɪᴅ hit and the silver lining has been that he's been able to work from home with no commute and flexible hours. He also taught a class at University of Baltimore (online) spring and fall semesters. Recently, after trying to make his own Artificial Intelligence adventure game, he decided to instead build it for a startup as a second job. My health continues to be a struggle, so we are going to get some help. Daniel graduated from high school amidst ᴄᴏᴠɪᴅ shutdowns, and then started college at BYU this fall. I'm sure ᴄᴏᴠɪᴅ protocols made starting college away from home for the first time much more disorienting, but he found a great group of friends in his acting class. He was cast in two BYU mainstage theater productions, which is apparently unusual for freshmen. -Lesli
TV and Movies
Doug- If I made a trip to Tokyo just to see the giant Gundam robot statue, would that be considered a pilgrimage to mecha?
[Lesli watching the TV programme The Mentalist]
Daniel- Is this funny?
Lesli- Not at all.
Doug- Come on, it's hilarious! It's like Psych except he's older and has a secret sorrow.
‘I dreamed I was walking down a sand dune and a man in a robe was standing beside me. I asked why during the hardest times in my life I saw only one set of footprints. He said, “Sand people always ride in single file to hide their numbers.”’
-Doug
Daniel- Is Austenland a chick flick?
Lesli- I think so.
Daniel- I'm not really clear on what a chick flick is.
Lesli- I don't think chick flick is a very good name. Anyone one can enjoy anything. It’s not like we call action movies ‘dick flicks.’
Daniel- We do now.
Daniel's friend Jackson [after doing filming for a movie of ours featuring a parody of 2001's Dawn of Humanity sequence]- I just had to explain to my bank teller that my voice sounds weird because I just spent 30 minutes screaming like a monkey outside.
Academics
‘Today, I took my midterm exam in Computer Programming and got the note 'Your code is neat and well organized, and you do a good job picking names. Keep up the great work!'
I have perfected 50% of Computer Programming in more ways than one.’
-Daniel
[To get this you need to know the famous quote by Phil Karlton- “There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation and naming things.” -Doug]
Lesli- I wonder what it was about my Facebook page that made Facebook send a targeted ad to my feed for GPS trackers for teens and adults with special needs...
[Impressive Academic Team buzzes]
Moderator- In A Christmas Carol, this Shakespearean character is mentioned on the very first page...
Daniel- Hamlet
Moderator- Romeo's hot-headed…
Daniel- Mercutio
Moderator- This novel opens 'It is a truth'…
Daniel- Pride and Prejudice
Moderator- The Millennium footbridge goes over this...
Daniel- the Thames
Moderator- This British party was once headed by Ramsay...
Daniel- Labour
Moderator- This member of the fellowship was the son of the stew-...
Daniel- Boromir
Lesli [to Daniel about college]- Don't stress about graduating in four years. Stress more about how to enjoy school— without stressing.
‘I was given an award for Academic Team called ‘First Team Honors.’ I guess if the county ever faces a situation that can only be saved by those with the most academic trivia knowledge, this signifies I'll be on the call list.’ -Daniel
Daniel [pleased]- I just fixed a spelling error on Wikipedia. Guess who's just become self-actualized?
Doug [after determining the best course to solving a puzzle on the back of a cereal box was to create and solve a system of equations for 14 different variables]- Since when do they have puzzles on the backs of cereal boxes that you don't immediately know the answer to?
Daniel- I guess Cinnamon Cheerios is trying to develop a different audience.
Douglas- Right? It's like the MENSA of breakfast cereals.
[note- it turns out the instructions had left off an important constraint -Doug]
Merrick- Daniel, do you think you could answer this question for me?
Daniel- Depends on the question...
Merrick- It asks you to identify tasks in the daily lives of the iron age Celts.
Daniel- Yes! This is my speciality! I wasted far too much of my childhood playing bbc.co.uk/history flash games!
Merrick- I'm sure you did, Daniel, I'm sure you did.
Daniel- Now all the time I wasted on this game has not been in vain.
Daniel's calculus teacher put an encouraging message for the AP students in a calculator program review sheet—
'Remember, there are a lot of kids far less prepared than you— looking at you Alabama'
Politics
Daniel- [playing a mindless, silly little flash game about running for president]- SUCK IT! SUCK IT, YOU SICKENING FASCISTS! THE CHAINS OF YOUR OPPRESSION WILL FETTER NEW JERSEY NO MORE!
Daniel said that if he could make his own slogan in the running-for-president game, it would be ‘All you have to lose are your chains.’
Doug- Did you hear the angel Moroni lost its trumpet today? That's the second trump; there are only five left.
Daniel- What was the first?
Doug [as though surprised he had to ask]- Donald! You know, the antichrist.
Daniel: Do you think if Lenin hadn't died he could have stabilised the Soviet Union?
Doug: Well, Lennon was an amazing songwriter but I don't know if he could've done that.
Books
Doug [replying to a braille joke]- You raise some interesting points. I feel goosebumps.
The story was touch-and-go there for a while. Things were looking rough.
Lesli [trying to say Lord of the Flies]- Did they ever make you read Lord of the Rings for school?
Daniel- I have read Lord of the Rings, yes.
Lesli- It's super depressing.
Daniel- I wouldn't say that.
Lesli- Well, you'd be wrong.
Daniel- Have you read Lord of the Rings?
Lesli- I've read bits and pieces of it.
Daniel- Well, you've seen the movies haven't you?
Lesli- As I said, depressing.
Daniel- I think J.R.R. Tolkien would take exception to your analysis.
Lesli- Why would I care what J.R.R. Tolkien thinks?
Lesli- [to Daniel, upon hearing that Mr. Darcy in ‘Pride and Prejudice’ was more than 10 years the senior of his sister Georgiana]- You're going to have the same relationship with Ellen, right?
Daniel- Yes, I certainly intend to prevent her marriages to vagrant men on a regular basis.
Lesli- No, I mean you will take care of her. And you'll both be really wealthy.
Doug- How exactly is he going to amass his fortune?
Lesli- He's going to inherit it, from us.
Daniel [trying to navigate our bonkers bookshelves and failing spectacularly]- Poppy, if, when I grow up, I ever double stack bookshelves, I want you to shoot me.
‘You know how the Necronomicon drives anyone who gazes into its pages mad? Well, they don't need ancient Egyptian cursed tomes for that. All they would need is to put a different number of buttons and buttonholes on these onesies and it would push me right over that edge.’ -Doug
Plays
Daniel- Do you know why the author of Our Town was actually a more radical playwright than the author of The Importance of Being Earnest? Because one was Wilde, but the other was Wilder.
During an online performance, Daniel sent a group chat to the Sense and Sensibility cast saying, ‘Finally I can cross heckling myself during a performance off my bucket list. I didn't think that would ever be possible.’
Daniel [about his character in BYU's The Tell-Tale Heart]- Can I just say, I was surprised how bloody adorable middle-aged me is.
[watching a 30 Rock episode where Tina Fey buys a wedding dress]
Lesli- That would be embarrassing to buy a wedding dress when you're not getting married.
Doug- You did it. You bought a dress at Goodwill. [note- for costumes, when we'd been married for years] I tried to get you not to. Everyone thought, 'What a jerk, won't even let his fiance buy a wedding dress from Goodwill!'
Pandemic
Daniel- I shall go to the store as well.
Lesli- Wear a mask.
Daniel [pensively]- I'm always wearing the mask...
Mad Max: Fury Road vs Real World 2020
Rampant Disease------x ----- x
Bad government------ x ----- x
Economic depression- x ----- x
Masks------------------ x ----- x
Ventilators------------ x ----- x
Blood transfusions--- x ----- x
Empty streets--------- x ----- x
High price of oil------ x
Lesli pointed out that actually, the dystopian movie OUR lives most closely resemble right now is A Quiet Place. -Doug
[overheard Doug saying in the other room in mid March]
Doug- Not going anywhere, not seeing anyone—I've been training for this my whole life! I am in peak condition! I'm totally going to rock this quarantine!
Doug- I think the church is going to have to revisit their ‘no masks at Halloween’ policy.
Daniel's ‘graduation’ consisted of about 3 minutes of stage time for Daniel so we could take pictures with his diploma, and that's it. In the car heading home, Doug said ‘Well, that was the best graduation ceremony I've ever been to.’ -Lesli
Baby
[Kathryn had brought a large trash bag filled with hand-me-down baby clothes to our Christmas Eve party at Steve and Kelli's house.]
Lesli- Doug, put that bag in the car.
Doug [confused, but willing]- So, are we bringing home their trash, then?
Doug- Are you looking at the ceiling, baby? It's not the best ceiling, but it's up there.
Lesli to Ellen [at 7pm]- are you ready for sleepytimes?
Doug- Oh my gosh, am I!!!
[Telling Ellen the plot of the movie Lesli and Daniel are watching]
Doug- He's afraid to go up the stairs. But you're not afraid, are you? You don't know the meaning of fear. Or of stairs.
Doug [to Ellen]- You love whistling!
Lesli- She does love whistling. She always gets a smile when I whistle. What she loves most, though, is someone paying attention to her.
Daniel- That's what we all love most.
Lesli [reading baby info from hospital]- It says she's supposed to poop once on day one, 2 times on day two, 3 times on day three, 4 times on day four, but what I want to know is how high does this pattern go? Where does it end? Is she supposed to poop 1 more time every day forever? At day 365 is she going to poop 365 times? The paper doesn't say anything beyond day 4. If we were doing a math problem with that information, the answer would be that it continues up forever that same way...
[Ellen was crying as we wiped the ink off of her hands with a cold wipe after doing foot and handprints of her at one week.]
Doug [to Ellen]- You think that's bad. Just wait until she does a plaster cast of your face.
Lesli- That shirt already looks almost too small. What size did you get?
Doug- Men's large.
Daniel [examining the shirt]- The tag is in Chinese.
Lesli- That is not men's large.
Doug- In China it is...
Food
‘Having unthinkingly bought more milk when I already have half a gallon left, I now have to rapidly drink the rest of this gallon to make room. [with resolve] Well, it's not like I learned nothing at scout camp…’ -Daniel
[email with picture from Daniel looking at a popcorn box at the store]- This product, despite mounting pressure, steadfastly refuses to use any imaginary ingredients.
Daniel- Baby carrots are carrots for people who aren't savages.
‘I wish that other foods besides honey would come in mandatory yet somehow also arbitrary animal-shaped packaging.’
-Daniel
Lesli- Are you going to eat those [expensive, weird-tasting, gluten-free, sugar-free] snickerdoodles I made?
Doug- I guess.
Lesli- Because I was planning on just putting them in the freezer for a couple months until they get freezer burned and then throwing them away.
Lesli [not allowed to have gluten or hardly any sugar and dairy because of inflammation etc]- I really want a treat. I need a treat.
[later]
Lesli- Do you know what I am having for my treat? An apples and cinnamon gluten-free oatmeal packet that isn't mixed with a plain oatmeal packet, and with real milk, instead of almond milk.
Doug- You're really living la vida loca.
[Lesli originally wrote down “la dolce vita” which is funnier -Doug]
Doug [to Daniel on the phone]- I cleaned your room. Ellen helped. She tasted all your stuff to make sure it still tasted good.
[cooking frozen chicken nuggets]
Lesli- Don't give him so many. He doesn't like them, he just tolerates them.
Doug -True but for Daniel, tolerate is like 9.5 on the how-much-he-likes-it scale.
Going to College
Lesli- What is this?
Daniel- That's the school's list of materials I was responsible for returning which is funny because it's incomplete.
Lesli- Did you return everything on the list?
Daniel- Of course. And more, that's my point.
Lesli- So we can't be charged for anything?
Daniel- No. In fact, they owe us money.
Daniel- I just screamed ‘I hate myself’ in the middle of Heritage Halls. How many passers by looked surprised? Zero.
Doug [on phone with Daniel]- I found an unlabeled document in your hand on the floor of the basement this morning. Is it career goals? Roleplaying game characters? It seems a little heavy on ghost-related professions:
Actor, magician, IT manager, Lawyer, detective, spy, ghost, assassin, Bouncer, ghost tamer, dinosaur tamer, lion tamer, Danish King, Vengeance-crazed Hobo, Vengeance-crazed Noble, Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book author, time traveler, vigilante, revolutionary, pirate, schizophrenic, forger, chess grandmaster, Shakespearean analytic, fugitive from justice, fencer, military general, ghostbuster, shepherd
Daniel- Yes, career goals is correct.
BYU friend- Aw, Daniel I love your clothes— you look so warm.
Daniel- Yes, I appreciate winter because wearing many layers makes me look like an actual adult man instead of like a stick.
Daniel [to his mother when he got home from his first semester at college]- I think what I missed most was the cats.
[Daniel is using his Swiss army knife like a letter opener]
Friend- Daniel, did you bring a letter opener with you to the green room? _ 3
Daniel- No, it's just my normal knife.
Friend- If I had to identify one person to be the one who would bring a letter opener with them everywhere, it would be you.
Computers
Lesli [playing minesweeper]- I won.
[pause] Why don't I feel fulfilled?
Daniel- Why in the world didn't they name Windows WindOS? It was right there for the taking!
Identities, Personalities, Character
[taking photos of Daniel and wanting to get him to smile]
Lesli- I'm going to say something funny.
Daniel- That's a joke in and of itself.
Doug-They say the nova will occur in 2084 + or - 16 years, so you'll live to see it.
Daniel- No, I won't.
Doug- I'll live to see it.
Daniel- Ha! No you won't.
Doug- I think you severely underestimate the life-extending inventions that will be developed over the coming century.
Daniel- Look, if you were Batman, maybe.
Doug- Who's to say I'm not Batman? I could be Batman. None of you would know.
Lesli- Batman was a billionaire. You're not a billionaire. [pause] If you are secretly a billionaire you are very, very evil.
Religion
Lesli [referring to comments in Daniel's Sunday school class that dismissed his insights]- Well remember, Daniel, it's important to be kind. These people can't help their stupidity.
Daniel- [laughs]
Lesli- OK, that lesson didn't come out as I'd planned.
Lesli- You shouldn't use a Halloween basket for Easter. They are exact opposites in holidays.
Daniel- Well, they're both holidays celebrating people rising from the dead.
-the end-
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